i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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