i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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