don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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