remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
