I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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