I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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