we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
