So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
