Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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