Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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