if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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