I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
