If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize