She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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