wakey wakey hands off snakey
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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