fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
