I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
