im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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