Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
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I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
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I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
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