I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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