Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
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literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
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Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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