Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
