Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
