shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
