I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
