So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
