I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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