I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
