i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
