I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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