I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
