dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
