I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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