You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
