just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
