It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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