i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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