Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
