Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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