I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
