I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Randomize
