I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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