she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
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My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
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Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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