Heybabeimwearingurpanties
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
