Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
