Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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