who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
