I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
