I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
