I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
