You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
