If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
