I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
