I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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