I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
