I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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