apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
