I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
