Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
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