God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
