Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
